''This is Chapter 3 of the [[SolSeed book]].''
=== Relationship is critical ===
The human creature is fundamentally a social creature. We have evolved within a social context. Some evolutionary biologists (references) believe that our large creative brains evolved in order to help us play social games more effectively. Science, engineering, and the other logical pursuits that we prize so highly are side effects of the true game ... trying to look good and avoid looking bad.
Committed, caring relationships with others are a critical component of a life well lived. Being in relationship is a fundamental aspect of being human. Developing a deep caring relationship wisdom through being a committed friend, partner, or family member makes you a better, more valuable person.
=== Benefits of relationship ===
There are direct physical and emotional benefits that we get from being in relationship with others. We got to share meals. We get to share positive words of encouragement. We have a ride to the airport when we need it. We have someone to watch our children when an emergency comes up. We have a place to stay when we need it. We have a good person to be with when we are sad. We have someone to talk to when we are working through a difficult life choice. We have someone to share the good moments with; this provides twice or more benefit from that good time through the reliving of it with our friends and family or other close relationship.
Even more important than the direct physical and emotional benefits from relationship, we get to become a better person! We get to practice being loyal and supportive. We get to develop gratitude for the many things they bring to our lives. We get to practice being a good person even in the midst of misunderstandings, or in the face of another's needs that challenge our reserves.
=== Relationship is a muscle ===
Being in relationship with others is a kind of muscle. The more we work on it the better and stronger our relationship muscle gets. Having a strong relationship muscle is good for us and it's good for the people we are in relationship with. Our benefits from companionship include being happier, healthier, and living longer. Caring for others also provides a sense of purpose and meaning for our lives.
Many recent spiritual traditions focus almost exclusively on the individual. Said another way these traditions foster spiritual narcissism. It is only when we consider ourselves also as contributors to a larger whole that we can create a complete picture of thriving.
Like many of the most worthwhile things in life being in relationship costs something. It doesn't follow a schedule that is convenient for our wishes and desires. Interpersonal friction is an inevitable part of being in relationship with others. These frictions and value collisions are especially challenging in relationships that are non-elective such as family or colleagues at work.
=== Relationship is a skill ===
Like all endeavors in life relationship is a skill. When practicing a new skill one should expect to be unskilled. One should expect to make mistakes. An Ideal community is one in which there are are a broad range of life experiences and skill levels that come to bear on relationship. Probably the most important part of creating an intentional community is selecting for emotional maturity. A community can compensate for the unskilled interactions of only a very few of the participants. Perhaps it makes sense to measure the skill level and track the skill level of the community as a whole and introduce new "project people" only when there is community capacity for it?
Being in relationship and a good community member is much like parenting. It is tremendously rewarding and tremendously difficult. Just like parenting, relationship is a highly skilled undertaking. And yet there are very few explicit training opportunities for relationship and parenting. Our schooling only rarely provides relationship courses and they are usually a part of a specialist curriculum that most people don't ever access.
=== Supporting Positive Identities ===
We also benefit from others who support us in living according to our chosen identity. Supporting each other in being who we say we are.
One of the best things that we can do for another person and their community is to provide them with work that is real -- work that contributes in a way that both they and their community are proud of. One way to measure the health and health making properties of the community is by the kinds of work that community values. Do we value only power and status work? Or do we value also work that serves? Do we value the work that must be done but that is not glamorous? Do we value only heroes in a crisis? or do we also value the quiet silent work that prevents the crisis from ever occurring?
=== From the Individual to the Group ===
Bringing life to ourself is about discovering who we are and living accordingly. It's about developing personal qualities like discernment, vision, purpose, self-discipline and wisdom. Our obligation to ourself includes only our own concerns and interests, there is no one else to consider. We have very direct influence within this most intimate circle of commitment. WE get to decide who we will be, what our goals for ourself are, and how we will move to accomplish those goals.
And yet so many more things are possible for a group than for an individual acting alone. So many of life's choicest rewards come only out of our relationship with others.
Bringing life to others and to our communities is more of the same but with ever larger circles of commitment. As soon as we move into relationship with a single other person, we must begin to consider concerns other than our own. As we encounter other sets of goals and other ways of prioritizing, we must now fully consider them as if they were our own. Our obligation is owed not just to ourselves, but also to these others with whom we have joined in common cause.
Moving from the individual into relationships with others is similar in nature to the evolutionary leap made by life when it moved from single celled organisms to multicellular creatures. So many more things become possible when individuals work together.
Along with the larger circle of commitment, participation in a group provides a larger circle of influence. Our influence on the goals and actions of the entire group is weaker and less direct than the influence we have over ourselves.
=== Competition ===
There are several key organizing principles for relationship. The first key organizing principle is competition. We compete with each other for physical resources and for the affection and respect of the other members of our group. Competition forms the baseline organizing principle, a sort of foundation upon which the other organizing principles build up from. Competition allows us to organize a group at the family level. Kin altruism arises from a visceral, instinctual, biological connection to those who share our genes. It gloms family members together to create an expanded competitive unit. There is implicit in Kin altruism an assumption that our fellows are also looking out for us from the same biological imperative.
As soon as we move out beyond our immediate kin we must find another organizing principle. The instinctual, biological connection is no longer present. We can no longer count on others treating us as if we are family. How then do we enter into relationship with another who doesn't share our family connection?
=== Cooperation ===
The next organizing principle built on top of competition is that of cooperation. It is the making of informal and formal agreements that govern the exchanges between us and another who is not from our family. This principle of contracts governing cooperation underlies nearly all of human society and is the single greatest enabler of the massive world changing social structures we have created. Cooperation relies on the trade being mutually beneficial to both parties involved in the exchange. The complexity that can arise out of cooperation is tremendous. The possibilities are literally endless. The closest biological principle is that of symbiosis.
With cooperation we don't even need to feel any positive affection or sentiment toward the other party that we are contracting with. We can still benefit even if we don't particularly like the other individual or organization. What is essential, is that we trust that the contract will be honored. This brings us to the larger social contract, the one that underlies our relationship with the nation state and other political entities that we submit to. Will thrive in direct relationship to how impartial, fair, and just is the political unit that we submit to. Whenever the rule of law becomes something that can be bought or sold, an institution rife with corruption, the entire larger social contract breaks down. Despite its flaws, the strength of our justice system, and our culture that supports it, is one of the great assets of the United States of America. One need only spend a little time in a developing country that has not yet birthed such a culture, to witness firsthand the corrosive effects of corruption.
=== Collaboration ===
Everything depends on competition. All of cooperation is built upon the shoulders of competition. Cooperation allows individuals to compete more effectively with other individuals through partnerships and alliances. And built on top of cooperation comes a third organizing principle, that of collaboration. If cooperation requires explicit, or even implicit assurances of compensation for our efforts and contributions on behalf of another, collaboration removes the direct compensation relationship. We now find our allegiance belongs not to the individual, or even to the family unit, but to the entire super-organism. We look for opportunities to contribute to that larger super-organism, regardless of whether or not providing such help is in our "contract." When it requires very little for us to inject value, or to provide value for another, we just do it. There is a trust that in turn we will receive help when we need it in the future from a similarly giving individual or group -- probably not the same group we are now helping.
Competition, cooperation, collaboration – these organizing principles are present in every human creature. The degree to which our activities are governed by one of these principles depends upon the environment, the context in which we live. If there is tremendous scarcity, competition becomes the order of the day. Even in the presence of tremendous scarcity, cooperation and collaboration will exist, and will provide some of the greatest meaning for the lives of those in that dire situation. But by and large, the main organizing principle will be that of competition. That's probably not true, cooperation will also exist. Because it will allow individuals to compete more effectively. But for collaboration to flourish there needs to be an abundance mentality. There probably also needs to be a sense of purpose. When we are coming to the aid of another on behalf of our larger sense of purpose, this altruistic unselfish act has at its core a deep vein of self-interest. We love to be part of something greater than ourselves, so whenever we act in accordance with that greater purpose we find deep satisfaction in the action. When we experience discomfort or deprivation of some sort on behalf of a larger purpose, the suffering deepens our commitment, and increases the value we get from all actions we take on behalf of that purpose
=== Supporting earnest beginners ===
Our most important relationships gain special potency when they are formed within the context of a larger shared purpose. But being earnest, or deeply connected to a larger purpose can be difficult to sustain. This is especially true in a world of competing purposes where an effective strategy is to undermine the value of another's purpose that is not our own. One of the larger purposes that seems to be common in this area, and that has probably always been common, is the purpose of self. Accumulation of material assets, looking good, and avoiding looking bad, have always been the default purpose for the human creature. One especially effective weapon against earnestness is that of cynicism, poking fun, sport at the cost of the earnest individual. Developmentally younger children often mistake aggressiveness with being liked. So if you ask a young child which children are most well liked, or have the most friends, they will often point to the most aggressive children. It is not until something like late high school years that the majority of people begin to disassociate aggressiveness with popularity.
During those high school years and into college especially, one easy way to seem cool is to like nothing, to value nothing, to tear everything down. This sophistication finds its way all the way up to the critics and pundits who do little more than tear down the efforts of others. On closer examination, the habit of cynicism and dissection is hollow, it creates nothing.
This is not to say that a critical eye toward those who try to build things has no place, and no utility. Clearly when we are completely credulous we allow those without scruples or sense to squander opportunities and resources. One can get a sense for the fine line we strive for between healthy skepticism and the encouragement of possibility by looking at the example of a young child. A young child may find an interest that sparks their imagination, and pursue that interest with gusto. At first especially, the level of sophistication with respect to that interest will not match up with the enthusiasm. It is important that we nurture the wavering tender vulnerable flame of interest, and not squash it by pointing out the child's lack of sophistication. Said another way, we must nurture and find in our hearts love for the beginner. We must provide a supporting encouraging atmosphere for those who don't yet know what they don't yet know. So perhaps the fine line that we are looking for is to fan the flames of enthusiasm, while demanding a deepening of wisdom. To direct that fire of passion down the line of inquiry and practice that brings with it understanding and faculty.
One particularly useful framework we can provide is a support system in which to pursue an interest. This is like a club or support group for a particular interest. To bring together various levels of mastery in a kind of teaching ladder.
We must also recognize that passion and love for an endeavor is the greater gift, and that natural aptitude will always be overcome by the love for an activity. de Saint-Exupéry said, "if you would build a ship, don't tell people to gather wood and hammer nails, instead teach them to long for the endless wild sea."
=== Clubs and Supportive Organizations ===
The change model proposed by the Heath brothers in their books includes three critical components. The first two components speak to the individual while a third component is largely about the relationships within a group. Once an individual is motivated and knows what it is they want to accomplish they still need an environment that supports the change they are making. Consider an example of a personal fitness trainer. The trainer provides two useful parts. First, the trainer knows how to instruct your rider. But even more important than providing clear instructions for the rider, the trainer creates social accountability, a support structure that helps you get out of bed even when you don't want to, motivation to get to the gym even when you're tired. The trainer is a witness to what you say about yourself, to whom you have chosen and declared that you will be.
Many of us are prepared to let ourselves down, and find it very difficult to keep promises we make to ourselves. But few of us feel the same cavalier attitude toward promises that we make to others. This is one of the reasons why a club or group that supports an activity we would like more of in our lives is so effective. The primary benefit is the social accountability we receive from our relationships to other members of that group.
=== Coaching, not just for athletes ===
Just like all elite athletes nearly all be the athletes have a coach, many of the most successful business professionals and other public personas have a life coach that helps them stay in touch with their goals professionally. This relationship tends to be an expensive one. And the expense is actually part of what makes it effective. Where your money goes there your heart also follows.
But coaching like many endeavors in life, benefits both from having and from the doing. Coaching provides learning opportunities for both the coachee and the person doing the coaching.
Coaching triads ... coachee, coach, and observer ... rotate.
=== Our eco-village vision ===
Imagine a near-future community founded by the SolSeed Movement. At first glance it would appear no different from a typical eco-village: eco-friendly buildings, solar panels, organic food gardens, and a population concerned with helping Earth's ecosystems thrive.
But there is another driving concern that weaves itself into the fabric of life in this community. Under a garden-covered roof is a large workshop where some of the community members are working on small-scale satellite designs, while others are developing miniature closed ecosystem models in glass boxes, prototypes for habitats in space that could ultimately support humans. Outside, a poster announces an upcoming space-industry conference to be held in the community, with the keynotes to be delivered in a gathering space that looks like a huge rocket nose-cone emerging from the ground, made of glass and covered with climbing vines. That structure currently holds a congregation attending a quasi-religious service with the theme "How to stay motivated to work toward the Destiny when we won't reach the stars in our lifetimes?" Unperturbed by such questions, children race among the apple trees outside, playing with model spaceships that they built themselves for a school project, using everything from pieces of used bottles and cans to pebbles, twigs, and woven grass.
This is SolSeed's vision of an ideal community, and we want to work toward making it a reality. Other people have different but equally beautiful ideas about how to build a life-bringing community. We want to find and connect with those people, for two reasons: to share ideas and build solidarity as a greater meta-movement, and to give people who are looking for community the chance to find the one they find most inspiring.
=== The broader movement ===
We see ourselves a part of a broader movement that shares our values of bringing life to ourselves, our communities, and the planet as a whole. We aim to support and partner with other kindred organizations that are bringing life. For example, we are closely aligned with the Awakening Science Foundation, a nonprofit founded in collaboration with John Boswell's Symphony of Science project, which will support charities and advocacy groups that advance the scientific worldview.
But more broadly, we're looking for allies whose missions are somehow life-enhancing, or at least aimed at preventing harm to life. The SolSeed Movement prefers to keep a positive focus, so of course we'll be particularly interested in forming relationships with groups that do things like building eco-villages and restoring ecosystems. But we won't shun the company of a far more common type of nonprofit, which works to mitigate the damage from phenomena like homelessness, hunger, disease, pollution, sweatshops, political oppression, war, and the destruction of whole species.
=== Gatherings of Kindred ===
We try to encourage other people and communities to express and live their own values, even though the norm in American society is to avoid even talking about such things in public, for fear of offending someone or just seeming naively idealistic. One way to do this is to create a space where this kind of sincerity is encouraged, and where people can find other people, communities, and organizations that share some of their values.
We envision this space as a sort of festival, with a large outdoor area dotted with tables where people from different co-convening communities and organizations (perhaps referred to as "tribes" for the sake of brevity and historical metaphor) will stand ready to describe and promote their groups and what they stand for. The only requirement for a group to participate is a commitment to respect all life, which we see as the core value of a vast worldwide movement that is only beginning to recognize its own existence (for example, through books like ''Blessed Unrest'' by Paul Hawken). Some people who come to the festival, particularly young people, may be searching for a place to live and contribute within that vast "movement of movements," and many of them will find one.
See also [[Getting Involved]].